Hello Citizens of Daddy’s Computer—Squatch here. I’m just checking in because it’s about time somebody filled you in on what’s going on around here, and since Daddy’s too lazy to do it, here I am. I took the liberty of commandeering his Lappy while he takes a quick nap. Just don’t be too tough on him, computer people. He tries hard.
This summer has been nutso bananas. Of course, the highlight was my birthday party. Any day where the adults watch everything you do and fawn all over it AND GIVE YOU AWESOME THINGS—BEST DAY EVER! I’m thinking about maybe doing it again in September, once the weather cools down a bit. Birthday parties are awesome.
But aside from that, I had plenty of other things to occupy my schedule. A couple weeks after my party, we took off on a trip with Wumpy and Gram. A car trip. Across the states. SOOOO MANY STATES! In case you aren’t familiar with the concept, car trips are a punishment for taking too many naps. So the adults put you in a car for about a bazillion hours to make sure you don’t ever nap again. However, whenever they finally let me out of the car, I made sure we had fun.
Wumpy and me doing the arch dance. Not pictured: massive amounts of diaper sweat.
Like the first day, we stopped in St. Louis—a city in the same state where I live. WE DROVE ABOUT 37 HOURS AND HADN’T EVEN LEFT THE STATE YET! But because I’m nothing if not helpful, I put my bitterness aside and we had a fun time.
I’ve you’ve never been to St. Louis in July, I think you need to know that it’s hot. Like that’s-not-pee-in-my-diaper-it’s-sweat hot. And the adults thought it’d be fun to walk everywhere. They obviously didn’t ask for my input. So we walked around America’s boiler room for the afternoon before arriving at the arch.
Now the thing you need to know about Daddy is that he’s a weenie. Don’t get me wrong—I love him almost as much as I love Mommy, but he’s still a weenie. Even before we left Kansas City, he was telling Mommy and Wumpy and Gram and really anyone within the sound of his voice that he wasn’t going up in the arch. But I think the heat must’ve fixed his head, because by the time we got to the place, Daddy decided to stop being a weenie and go on up with us. And I guess that peer-pressured Gram, because she decided to go up, too. Squatch: 2; Adults: 0.
So, when you get inside the arch, you change out of your sweaty diaper and sit around in a big room for a long time. This is to make sure your butt sweat doesn’t disturb the delicate construction. Then you stand in a line and wait some more. Then you stand in another room and wait even longer. Then, after about 6 hours of waiting, they put you in a space egg.
Daddy was a weenie about the egg, too, but he survived.
When you get out of the egg, you’re in a much smaller room with windows. Outside the windows, they put Little People playsets, but you’re not allowed to touch them because of the windows. Rip off.
I think this is more punishment. But at least it was pretty.
When the adults decide you’re done watching the toys, you go back in the egg and leave. I don’t know what Daddy was such a weenie about. I think he’s afraid he’d have to clean up the toys like when I play in my room, but since I couldn’t even touch them, I guess he had nothing to worry about. Back in the big room, Wumpy and Gram bought me a cardinal puppet from the arch toy store. Daddy told me that this is a cardinal from St. Louis, not a St. Louis Cardinals because the St. Louis Cardinals suck. I agree.
Daddy says this was Barry Bonds’s stick. Then he laughed. I don’t get it.
The next day, we left for another car trip, only this time it was longer. We stopped in Louisville at a place where they make sticks for baseball. Daddy was pretty excited about this one. We watched how they made the sticks, which was silly because I get sticks from outside all the time. But in baseball they use special sticks, which I got one of from Wumpy and Gram. It has my name on it. I showed it to Gordie when I got home, but she didn’t like it as much as I did. She just sat in the corner while I played with it.
The sticks were cool, and so was the rainstorm that happened while we were eating lunch. I thought we were going to get to stay in the pizza place forever, but adults suck, so they made us leave. We drove about another 14 hours and made it to Cincinnati that night.
I should’ve mentioned at the start that the point of this whole trip, besides punishing me, was for Wumpy to reunion with his family. Which I guess is Mommy’s family. Which I guess is my family. Only none of them live in Cincinnati. But I guess they lived around there about a thousand years ago, so it was kind of like a family history trip.
This house was definitely not baby-proofed. Here I am showing Wumpy all the damage I could do.
We spent the next few days going around to all the old places where they lived a billion years ago. I got to touch a lot of old things and talk to a lot of old people. They were really nice to me. In case you didn’t know, old people love babies. It’s because we share a lot of interests—naps, soft foods, going to bed early, yelling at grown-ups. I managed to get some naps in on a couple of the tours, while on others, I staked my place as the center of attention.
Getting to meet all Wumpy’s family was a lot of fun. And they all loved me, of course. But I must have done something wrong, because after a few days, they stuck me in the car again for the LONGEST CAR RIDE OF ALL. We drove for about 2 years, only stopping once at a park so I could play with sticks—real sticks, not baseball sticks—and another time at a Denny’s so I could get a pancake and sausage. Here’s a tip for you adults: if you’re going to drive for any longer than a month, you’re going to have to stop more than twice. We babies really need to play with toys. And not the stupid toys that you give us in the car seat. Real toys.
Anyway, we finally made it back to my house, and I spent the next three weeks napping. Good naps to get revenge on Mommy and Daddy for making me car trip for that long. I showed them.
Speaking of naps, Daddy is getting up from his, so I better go play with him. I’ll tell you about the rest of my summer later. Till then, you stay classy Computer People.