You know Pinterest, right? Of course you do—everyone knows Pinterest. It’s that awesome little social media pinboard website that lets people share all kinds of amazing gems hidden on the internet.
PINTEREST IS OUT TO DESTROY YOU AND EAT YOUR SOUL.
Once upon a time, when your wife volunteered to make a birthday cake to celebrate her mother’s and sister’s birthdays, she could just throw a can of frosting on top of one of Mrs. Crocker’s finest box mixes and call it good. In, out, done. Boom.
Then along comes Pinterest to make everyone look bad. Now just to keep up with the internet’s Joneses, she’s gotta buy two cake mixes and some food coloring so that there are multiple layers in incrementally deeper hues of pink. Then she has to separate out the cake mixes, dyeing each batch perfectly and baking them so they come out right before setting them out on the dining room table to cool so she can assemble the cake the following day.
Of course, the following morning when you’re out with your baby son at his swimming class, your dog will decide the bowl of food she has downstairs is no good and will eat the darkest three layers from off the dining room table. When you get home, your wife will yell at the dog and then send you to the store for yet another box of cake mix and vegetable oil.
After re-baking the three dog-eaten layers, your wife will send you to the store again because she needs more powdered sugar for the buttercream frosting—because canned frosting won’t cut it with Pinterest. Then she’ll send you another time for vanilla extract because she thought you had more than you did, and you’ll be thankful you live across the street from the grocery store.
When she starts to assemble the cake, the super-thick buttercream will start to make the newly-cooked darker layers resemble the faces of those poor massacred teens from the scare-fest videos in driver’s education. Your wife will realize this is because these layers didn’t cook long enough and begin to swear at the cake and for Pete’s Sake WHO SWEARS AT CAKE IT’S SWEET AND SOFT AND DELICIOUS AND I LOVE YOU CAKE. She’ll get fed up trying to frost these layers and throw them in the trash. You’ll cry—partly because you just had to go out and buy that cake mix and partly because cake just went into the trash instead of your belly. This is a sacrifice to the Pinterest gods. They are a vengeful lot.
Your wife will achieve success with the remaining three layers, as they’ve been cooked correctly, and cover them in swirly doodads, also in incrementally darker hues of pink. This last part will be relatively painless, except for the hand cramps because you and your wife had to stir food coloring into the super-thick buttercream frosting and squeeze it out of a bag. You and your wife will feel better looking at a finished cake and she’ll still love her family. You’ll go to bed and softly cry into your pillow because two days were shot to hell on a birthday cake.
I hope you die in a fire, Pinterest. You and your raised expectations.