& the freak-down: perpetual readiness

The Freak-Down

24 Days

We’re coming up on that time—The Any-Day-Now Zone. Karli is almost at that full-term line, which means the show can feasibly start at any point in time. Hoo boy…you ready for this?

Despite all my displays of trepidation and fear, we’ve got our plan of action for the next few weeks*. It’s necessary, seeing as the hospital is 35 miles away and my job at this point is to try and keep Karli calm—an important job at which I’m failing miserably.

*When I say “we,” I mean Karli. We know what happens when I plan.

As a means of helping anyone who stumbles onto this blog looking for help with this kind of thing (sorry to disappoint you so far) and also to put it down in writing someplace I know I won’t lose it, here’s our plan for the last few weeks of pregnancy.

  1. Keep the car at least half full of gas at all times. Can you imagine the screaming I’d succumb to if we got ready to go to the hospital and I told Karli we had to stop for gas first? My asshole is puckering just thinking about it. No thank you. I’ll just watch the gas gauge for the next few weeks.
  2. Stay ahead of the dishes and cleaning. I’ve already been warned that I’m going to be cleaning anything that’s dirty before we leave for the hospital, so it’s in my best interest to just make sure that’s all clean now.
  3. Some tasks are quick, like taking out the trash. Others take all day, like prepping the cloth diapers.

    Finish all those baby projects. Everything that has to do with Squatch—the gadgets and crafts and gizmos, the laundry, the shopping—it all takes priority. If I have a bunch of stuff to do, that’s what gets done first. And trust me, there’s plenty of it.

  4. Make pet plans.We’ve found a friend who is willing to come to our place and take the dog to the kennel, then make sure to feed the cat while we’re at the hospital. And we don’t even have to name our kid after her or anything.
  5. Get the call list together.We made sure to check with our families to see when they wanted to be notified—at check-in; after delivery; at Squatch’s high school graduation, etc.—as well as how—phone call, text, carrier pigeon, etc. We made sure to ask if they want us to call them if stuff goes down at 2 or 3 in the morning, or of they wanted us to wait till a reasonable hour. It’s exciting for them, too, so we didn’t want them having some deep-seated resentment toward Squatch because we screwed up in notifying them.
  6. Take stuff with us.Yeah, we packed up that hospital bag, and that will certainly be coming with us at party time. But we also need to make sure all that stuff, including the car seat and camera and anything else we need, comes with us if we have to go to McAlester (where the hospital is) for any other reason. We don’t want to have to come all the way back to get the stuff then trek back in to have the baby. Especially since that eats up gas (see No. 1).
  7. Quit spazzing out.It’ll happen. No worries. We should just enjoy our remaining poop- and vomit-free days for a while.

Just a matter of time now. Just a matter of time. We’re in the home stretch, racing neck and neck with the Expletive Baby. Who will be the first to the finish line? Stay tuned.


5 thoughts on “& the freak-down: perpetual readiness

  1. Eeek!!! So exciting! Honestly, your lady will likely “quit spazzing out” long before you do. A calm like none other fell over me in the final weeks, but MB started organizing the silverware drawer and other useless craziness. Just so you know, organizing the silverware will have zero impact on your life after baby at all.

    • This is what bloggy friends are for—when Karli tells me to go organize the silverware, I can say, “I have proof it makes no difference!” Then I can write about her making me do the silverware anyway, and you can all laugh at it.

      • I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t know how Karli feels about silverwear, but I’m just saying, when I found out that MB had done this in “preparation”, I was a little frustrated seeing as…you know…the baby is currently a meatloaf and has little use for a steak knife.

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