No, really. The school here in Oklahoma actually has a pretty decent-sized criminal justice department, with a lot of students who come through every year. Before I bolt from this place, the guy in charge of the CJ program asked if I wanted to help out with the law enforcement training class today.
What were they doing? you might ask. Well, the students had to do their field sobriety training today. And the best way to do this is to get drunk people. Enter Ande. I’ve never been one to pass up a
drinking teaching opportunity.
I’m a pretty responsible (read: lame) drinker, which I’ve discussed before. That means I’ve never had to do a breathalyzer test. Today would be a day of firsts.
I’m a pretty big guy. You’ve seen pictures of me before. I’m definitely not petite, that’s for sure. So it would appear the alcohol takes a little bit more to get into my system. I drank more than anyone else in the room, yet my BAC was the lowest. Good to know, amiright?
I actually never went above the legal limit. I barely approached the DWI zone of .06, which is a misdemeanor in Oklahoma. The thing is that I’m such a lightweight that I couldn’t have driven if I’d wanted to. I felt the buzz by the time I was blowing .03. I’ve never been much of a drinker.
Because I’ve never been much of a drinker, I haven’t been that drunk before. Even today, obviously, I wasn’t that drunk. Still below the legal limit. Luckily, since we live in our shitty campus apartment, I could walk home to take care of my pregnant wife. Drunk. Husband of the Year material right there.
I still jumped right in. Karli wasn’t feeling very well today, so I rubbed her back and got her water and started cooking dinner. Then I barfed in the sink—another first for me. I finished cooking dinner*, fully aware that I’m now ready for parenthood.
*After washing my face and hands, just in case you were starting to doubt my level of responsibility.
I didn’t go through my super partier phase where I was out getting bombed every other night, but now I’m absolutely certain I’m past that point for good. There’s no chance that I’m able to become that guy, either. I’m definitely ready to be Dad—calm and lame and chillin at home with the little-uns.
I’m definitely tall enough to ride this ride.