& we got class

This morning, we had a childbirth class. Sort of. We went to the hospital, watched a few videos and got a little tour of the labor and delivery ward. I guess, by current “No Child Left Behind” standards, that constitutes a class. But I don’t know if I’d call it that.

I didn’t really have any idea what to expect from it, so I had to go back to my only real knowledge of these things being movies and television. So I guess I thought it’d be something like this:

Or maybe this:

This would’ve been hilariously fantastic:

And I was really hoping it wouldn’t be this:

But what we actually found was three couples seated at tables and a nurse who looked more like he’d have been a bodyguard. There went my expectations.

With that, here’s what I took away from it:

We’re going to be okay. Karli and I seemed a little bit more engaged than the other people there, even though it was a completely optional, free class. Karli was the only one asking questions throughout the whole thing. During a break when all the pregnant ladies headed to the bathroom, Karli told me one of them talked about how she’d be better off if her husband wasn’t coming along to anything because he was just complaining about everything. Even Squatch was responding to the videos. I think we’re good.

Boobs. The breastfeeding video had a bunch of them. I would venture to say that there was more boob screen time than your average pornographic film. I don’t know that you could talk about breastfeeding without showing boobs, but I’m actually just kind of startled by the number of women who are apparently cool with just whipping out their boobs for the camera. It’s not just drunk girls on spring break busting them out for Girls Gone Wild.

Some folks are just militant. The videos that they showed us were very dogmatic in favor of natural child birth and breastfeeding. The nurse in charge, however, was not. While the videos got really preachy about their particular philosophies, the nurse kept pausing the video to point out that you’re not horrible for wanting an epidural or not breastfeeding. He also paused it when the childbirth video told us that the partner “should be assertive with the pregnant lady during labor” to let us know that’s not always the best idea. He’s looking out for us, I can tell.

Basically his position was that it’s our pregnancy, we should do it how we want, and we shouldn’t let other people talk us into or out of anything. He was good about answering any specific questions that people (read: Karli) had. And he did a lot to put people at ease. He came across as someone to listen to.

It wasn’t just because he looked like he could take me out, either.


9 thoughts on “& we got class

  1. Ah, birthing classes–the only place you attend as a preggers women where you get enough bathroom breaks! Good for you two for being focused and asking questions–the rest will wish they had when the time comes, I assure you.

  2. Your nurse sure had his head on straight! At our childbirth class I was also struck by the video taped whip-outage of boobs. Better get used to it though; if Karli decides to breastfeed you’ll be seeing them a lot.

    You guys are getting pretty close, right? When is she due?

    • She’s due on July 8. Which I’ve come to learn from reading these blogs is about as useful as saying “The baby will be a neuroscientist when it grows up.” Whatever happens, happens. But sometime around that area.

  3. Within the first 15 minutes of our birthing class it became clear it had nothing to offer that a reasonably educated person couldn’t find on their own. When the 60+ year old lady course director put both hands on the desk and began undulating her hips to demonstrate who-knows-what (perhaps how you *GET* pregnant), we knew we were done. By the first intermission my wife and I (both teachers) became birthing class dropouts.

    -Dork Dad

    • Truth. We were actually more interested in the hospital-specific stuff, like asking what their C-section rate is and at what point—given where we live and how far away the hospital is—we should re-enact every rushing to the hospital scene we’ve ever seen in a movie. I’ve already got my snorkel ready for when the water breaks.

  4. I loved my hypnobirthing classes. There were videos at the end of each class and I don’t know if I’ve seen as many boobs and cooters in one block of time since. It almost neutralizes you to them. I was like, cool, people are going to be staring at parts I’ve worked my whole life to keep covered. Whatevs.

  5. Pingback: & the freak-down: we hate that bitch « & squatch makes three

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