Lessons in Manhood
Lesson 8: Instructions
Squatch, if television and movies have taught you anything about men, it’s that we don’t read the instructions and we don’t ask for directions.
Movies and TV are bullshit. If I’ve taught you anything, it’s that.
Well, except the directions thing. I still have trouble with stopping to ask for directions, but that has less to do with manhood and more to do with being afraid of the guy in the gas station with the lazy eye.
One of the things a Man needs to know, however, is that the instructions are important. They’re there for a reason. Some things in life don’t need them, but not everything in life is completely intuitive. Otherwise cavemen would’ve invented space travel. For most things, you actually need to read the damn directions.
Why am I telling you this, Squatch? It seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? Well, as you know, your dad’s a teacher. And it’s that time of the semester where students start freaking out about their grades. Why they start worrying in the last week of class, when there’s nothing they can do about it, instead of at the beginning of the semester, when they have a chance to change it, I have no idea. But they do.
And I send them back to read the directions—the syllabus. I point to the part where it says I don’t take late work. I point to the other part where it says I don’t do extra credit (mostly because it’s more work for me just so they can bring their grade up). Then I point to the part where it says attending class making sure they get their work in on time is their responsibility.
Then they look at me like I’m a terrible person. It’s the same look they gave their futon when they moved into the dorm and had a few extra parts left over. In both cases, it’s because they didn’t read the instructions.
Maybe they need to learn their lessons the hard way. I know I once did. And now I read the instructions. I even got my manual for you.
Squatch, a Man knows when to read the instructions. Sometimes, he doesn’t need to. When there’s a sign next to the silver part on the toilet that says “Push Too Flush” (sic), you probably don’t need to read it.
Otherwise, for the love of Cheez-Its, read the damn directions.