& a lesson in manhood: we’re past this already

I got into doing this bloggy thing for a couple reasons, as I mentioned in my first post. Chief among them was to potentially help the guys who came behind me and had hit the my-wife-is-pregnant-so-what’s-my-job-in-all-this point. Mostly because a lot of the stuff I’d been told had been trite and stupid. More on this in a bit.

Second, I wanted to have the opportunity to interact with people who had gone through, or were currently going through, the same stuff. I thought it would be cool to talk to other dads and get some real tips so I don’t screw Squatch up too bad. What I’ve found, however, is that while the dad blogs aren’t lacking in quality (there’s a list of some good ones on the right side there), the mommy blogs definitely get the W when it comes to quantity. Not even close. Some of my favorites are over to the side there, as well.

One of the coolest moms-in-process on the internet is Emily over at The Waiting. I delve into the bloggy-verse and it delivers my Sister from Another Mister. (Go ahead and read her site. I’ll be here when you get back.) And a recent post of hers delivered this gem from a free magazine the doctor gave her:

Click the picture to read the table and lose a few IQ points.

My first thought was that Jonathan Whitbourne a) never had a kid, or b) if he has, then he’s a character from a sitcom (you know—the goofy-caveman-with-a-hot-wife type). Whitbourne apparently thinks we’re all man-children with a laugh track, which is exactly why I took to the internet to find other competent people capable of polysyllabic thinking in order to get better advice. And if you’ve read Emily’s post (which you have, because you wouldn’t be insulting me by reading this far without it), then you saw her say:

It makes me sad that Whitbourne is going to be able to add this gem to his CV when there are a number of legitimately funny, original pregnancy posts written by male bloggers I follow that could just as easily be formatted to fit on that last page.

Challenge accepted. Well—I’m not going to reformat a previous post. I’m just going to fix this idiot’s list. And to do that I’ll need:

Lessons in Manhood

Lesson 5: What He’s Really Thinking—For Real

Squatch, there’s no reason to buy any of that “clueless man” garbage. Yes, some people do actually live like stereotypes. But you don’t need to pay attention to them. Honestly, we’ve moved on from this. The remainder of the Manhood diaspora has a wide range of reactions to their pregnant significant others. There’s no one way to fix that idiotic and insulting list, but a general rule is that a Man actually means what he says (more on that in a later lesson). But I suppose that wouldn’t be so fun to read. The next best thing is to just insert what I—a non-caveman—would be thinking. So let’s fix Mr. Whitbourne’s worldview a little bit, shall we?

WHAT HE’S REALLY THINKING

He says: “You’re pregnant? That’s awesome!”

He means: “Not that the trying part wasn’t incredibly fun, but I’m not that young anymore and a dude’s gotta rehydrate every once in a while. That’s awesome! And how about…oh, you want McDonalds? Right now? Sure.”

He says: “Sure, if it’s a boy, we can think of naming him after your Uncle Eggbert.”

This is stupid. Nobody’s named Eggbert. And anybody who would name their kid Eggbert deserves a punch in the taint. Not because it wouldn’t make a good football player name (if Dick Butkus can turn out to be a good football player, any name can), but because kids are mean and cruel and anyone named Eggbert wouldn’t make it out of the third grade. NEXT!

He says: “I guess you’re right. A minivan is the most practical option.”

He means: “I’m confident with the size and functionality of my penis. What’s the MPG on the Honda Odyssey?”

He says: “It’s never too early to start saving for college, so let’s look into a 529 plan.”

He means: “This is kid is either going to college or getting a job after high school. It’ll be about time we got our office back.”

He says: “Yes, I’ll be in the delivery room the whole time holding your hand and looking into your beautiful eyes.”

He means: “I know you told me that if you can’t eat anything in the delivery room, then I can’t eat anything the whole time either. But if I slip away to ‘hit the little boys room,’ I’m really scarfing a hamburger. Please don’t hate me.”

He says: “It’s a girl! I can’t wait to start spoiling my little princess.”

He means: “I can’t conceive of girls as anything other than gender stereotypes, so I’m going to do everything I can to perpetuate them. I hope she grows up to be a stripper with daddy issues.”

He says: “I love our baby so much it hurts.”

He means: “I can’t speak in anything but meaningless clichés, so my feelings for this child come out in drivel that fourteen-year-old girls scribble on their bedroom mirrors.”

Now, let’s cover some that Whitbourne missed.

He says: “This little [insert baby thing] is pretty cool.”

He means: “I could totally make that. With your permission. And a new scroll saw.”

He says: “You can feel it kicking? That’s pretty awesome.”

He means: “I’m glad you’re going through this and not me, because I freak out when Chipotle gives me indigestion. I can only imagine what I’d do if the burrito started working my ribs like Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia on a floor piano.”

He says: “Look at that woman over there. Do you think she has to wear one of those ‘Oversize Load’ signs when she walks down the hallway?”

He means: “I love you.”

He says: “I started a blog about this whole pregnancy and baby thing. You should read it.”

He means: “This whole thing still almost doesn’t feel real, and I want to feel like I’m actually doing something in this process, so I’m going to make the whole internet think I’m more involved than I am. But mostly it’ll be crude jokes and making fun at your expense. You should read it.”

He says: “I can’t wait till this is over and the baby is here.”

He means: “I’m really looking forward to eating Mexican food around you again.”

He says: “You’ve gained how much weight since your last doctor’s appointment?”

He means: “Remember ten years ago when I taught you how to throw a punch? Worst mistake of my life. Not in the face, not in the face!”

He says: “This pregnancy stuff seems a lot easier than everyone makes it out to be.”

He means: “I have no clue. Oh, and this pregnancy magazine asked me to write a filler fluff piece for the back of their little ad rag. Pretty cool, huh? I’m going to go scour Hulu for sitcom reruns to get ideas while you put this crib together, okay?”

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12 thoughts on “& a lesson in manhood: we’re past this already

  1. You are too kind (to me, not Whitbourne). Whitbourne has officially been schooled. thanks for doing this. Now I’m submitting it to the magazine. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Husband No Stupid | The Waiting

  3. You are A+. Women’s magazines and popular television would have me believe that men are dumb. And insensitive. And goon-like. I am married to a good one. And I love reading your point of view. Makes me think that maybe my husband is not an anomaly.

    Reply
    • Oh, don’t worry. It doesn’t. I’ve been fighting the “written by dummies, for dummies” fight for a while now. It’s an uphill battle, and no matter how hard we try, the shit just keeps on rolling downhill at us.

      Reply
  4. The father of my children always found me to be at my most sensual while I did a few rolls back and forth to get up momentum to get out of bed, when he’d place his hand in just the right place, and give me that extra umph to get out of bed. He rubbed my feet, he’d nibble on my neck. He eagerly anticipated each of our children. I can still close my eyes and remember how he looked, as I came out of the Csection drugs, and he was gently rocking our 5 week early baby, singing to her. He slept in our room the whole time I was there.

    Unfortunately, Name Redacted decided being the neighborhood gigolo was more fun. That’s when he got stupid. Until then, he was all a pregnant woman would want while with child.

    Reply

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