& lessons in manhood: a new series

Maybe I’m getting over my head in starting too many series here. Meh. Better to dive in and figure it out later. I mean, it’s just the internet. This thing can’t hurt me, right?

Right?

I wanted to chronicle the things I intend to teach Squatch about being a man. It doesn’t matter if Squatch is a boy or girl, I think it’s important that the kid grow up to learn what manhood means in order to put it into practice—whether for the purposes of daily living or mate selection.

A brief note on this before I begin. I don’t envision this as a manhood-as-opposed-to-womanhood thing. Most of what I’ll talk about is applicable to women, too. It’s not a gender thing. I’m thinking in terms of “Man” as opposed to “Boy.” Or, perhaps, “Man” as opposed to “Caveman.” It’s a set of guidelines for what I hope Squatch grows into or looks for in a potential partner. That might be the right frame of mind to get yourself in before thinking this series makes me a misogynist. I’ll probably provide plenty of other reasons to come to that conclusion, anyway.

Ideally, as I’m the prominent male role model in the house, most lessons in manhood throughout Squatch’s life will come from my actions and not what I say, but it might be helpful to write these things down. If not for Squatch’s sake, then for my own. If you want to use them, that’s fine, too. The Sasquatch School of Manhood is now in session.


Lessons in Manhood

Lesson 1: Keeping it in your pants

Don’t worry, Squatch. This isn’t that talk. That one will come much later, with lots of stammering and backtracking and uncomfortable pauses. Neither of us will enjoy it.

No, this one is about the one thing it technically takes to be a man—a wiener. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already asked your mother or me questions about that, and we’ve probably given you some stupid response. You know about wieners. Or ding-dongs. Or penises. Or whatever else we’ve decided to call them in our house. (Side note: This paragraph probably got me on a whole lot of Google searches that I didn’t want to be on. Welcome, cock searchers!)

But there’s a lot more to being a Man than what’s between your legs. And perhaps the most important part of being a Man is realizing that a penis isn’t the most important part.

See, Squatch, you’ll find that some men have a tendency to supplement their penis with other things: guns (or knives or other sorts of killing gizmos), cars (or motorcycles or pretty much anything with an engine), sports (the manly ones), etc. These things tend to manifest into personality traits: Prolific sexual exploits. Prolific babymaking. Excessive bravado. Excessive sternness.

Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with guns or cars themselves—they’re just tools meant for express purposes. And there’s nothing wrong in taking an interest in them, either. The line is when you make those tools a status of your manhood—when you make them into a penis.

These people are men, but they aren’t Men. It’s an important distinction, and it can be a fine line, I know. So maybe an example. And since Christmas is still pretty recent, we’ll use that. Your family is sitting around opening presents and someone—we’ll say you—opened one that is taped shut pretty well, probably with some Kryptonian-level adhesive. An uncle is nearby. Here’s where the line comes in, so pay attention.

In one scenario, the uncle asks, “Would you like something to help open that?” After getting an answer, he hands over a pocket knife so you can get at your securely guarded present. No sweat. He provided you with a tool you needed. This is what a Man does.

In another scenario, once you encounter the super tape, the uncle pulls out his pocket knife, grabs the present and slices the tape before handing it back to you. Usually this is accompanied by a special flourish of the knife so everyone can see his superiority, and by a smug grin as he hands it back so that everyone can acknowledge his benevolence. This is what a man does when he is supplementing his penis. He’s whipped it out onto the table so everyone can see just how big of a man he really is. Of course, you and I know the response to that is, “Not very.”

It comes down to confidence. You’ll come across many people in your life who have to constantly display their cocks out on all of life’s tables to prove their manliness. And it’s a lot easier to observe than you might realize. To these men, man=penis=[insert object of obsession], and their confidence comes from continually showing that off to you.

You’ll be able to distinguish a real Man by the fact that his penis stays tucked away in his pants where it belongs. He understands its purpose and only brings it out when it’s necessary. He laughs at the absurdity of the cavemen around him, walking around constantly slapping their dicks into the faces of the people they meet. He doesn’t need to compare sizes and acquiesces when the challenge arises. Because a real Man understands that his wiener is not the most important measure of manhood.

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