There are tons of reasons to be terrified of having a baby. Valid reasons. Stupid reasons. Deep reasons. Selfish reasons. People have fantastic blogs about why having a baby terrifies the living bejesus out of them. I’ll write a list of reasons why I should be terrified later (UPDATE: it’s right here). But this post is why I’m totally not scared of Squatch’s debut this July. Or at least why I can pretend not to be petrified.
7 Reasons Parenthood Doesn’t Frighten the Shit Outta Me
1. Kids and I are tight. I spent my summers during undergrad working at a day camp. For four years, I got paid to play all day long. Granted, it was hot as balls, but I spent my day playing soccer and tag, gluing things to other things, and occasionally keeping children from hitting each other. That was much less of the job than you’d think. Mostly, it was just figuring out what to do all day long with children when there was no TV around. I got over my fear of being responsible for a group of 12 kids within about 15 minutes of starting, which was just after the 27th stupid kid joke. It’s not so bad. They’re almost like little people. The only thing about it was that we gave them back at the end of the day. That’s not really an option with parenting, I gather.
2. For at least the first year, Squatch and I will have similar interests. Sleeping. Eating. Pooping. Boobs. Silly noises. Colorful objects. I’m down with that.
3. I’m not too attached to stuff. Our stuff will get ruined. All of it. Anything that Squatch can reach anyway. Luckily, there’s not a whole lot I’m too concerned about. Anything I can’t really handle getting destroyed will just stay in my office or too high for Squatch to reach. Otherwise, it’s just stuff, and as long as Squatch doesn’t get hurt, we’ll be okay. Plus, I’ll have someone to blame when I break stuff, too.
4. I’ll practically be a stay-at-home dad. The nice thing about my teaching job is that my schedule’s pretty fluid. I can decide when my office hours are, adjust my class schedule (sorta), and probably bring Squatch along with me to the office occasionally. Plus, the building where I teach and have an office is about 50 yards from my door. That means we won’t have to worry so much about childcare all day long. Finding a stranger to take care of our kid is probably the part that makes us most anxious, so that’s one nightmare we can put off for now.
5. Shit doesn’t scare me. I’m scared of a whole lot of things. More things than a lot of mental patients. But I don’t think poo is one of them. The upside of having pets is getting used to cleaning up gross stuff all the time. Or, I guess maybe that’s a downside if you want to look at it that way. I’ve picked up lots of vomit and shit and pee over the years. And a couple pukey episodes from the pregnant lady. Some of that stuff would curdle the strongest stomachs. I’ve been through bodily fluid boot camp. Ready for deployment to the Squatch Doodie War.
6. I’m already lame. Painfully out of touch, as a matter of fact. Sure, I like watching movies and a few TV shows. But beyond Walking Dead, Community, and Psych, I’m not too up on what’s going on. On the one hand, I didn’t really feel too much shock moving into the boonies for my new job. On the other hand, my face goes blank at just about any pop culture reference after 2004. Okay, 1997. For example, Karli was telling me yesterday that Kate someone was divorcing some British dude. At first I thought she was talking about the royal people who just got married, but then I realized she was talking about the “I Kissed a Girl” girl and the skinny asshole who plays himself in every movie. Didn’t even know they were married. Don’t even care about the divorce. Anyway, the point is that when Squatch gets here, I won’t even have to worry about losing touch because that’s already long gone. When the kid gets older, though, I might have to try harder to know what’s going on. But I still won’t care about what rich assholes are doing in their private lives. Sorry.
7. Low recharge time. In the short time I’ve started reading other parenting blogs, I’ve come to understand that sleep will be at a premium once Squatch is here. Which is cool. I dig sleep, but I can actually operate on low amounts. I don’t know how I’ll do with waking up to a banshee wailing in the next room, but there’s something to be said for the thrill of discovery, right?
A perfectly rational list of reasons not to be terrified of a life-altering event. Perfectly. Rational. Shut up. I need this.