This will offend people. Probably you. Not apologizing, just warning.
Some parents might be a little obnoxious. Ok, obnoxious is a little strong. And might be is an understatement. But that’s the reason I started this blog. I’m trying my damndest not to be that dad to my non-parent friends.
See, the way I figure it, parenthood is a lot like fantasy football. No, no—don’t go anywhere. Let me finish.
It’s different because fantasy football is, you know, fake; that, and nobody ever spent their adult lives in therapy because of fantasy football. Nobody normal, anyway. But in fantasy football, nobody else gives a shit about your team. Not unless they’re in your league.
You know that guy who’s in about 17 fantasy football leagues and spends the entire lunch hour filling you in on how Jamaal Charles’s injury is sending his entire season into the shitter? Yeah, you don’t care, do you? You’ve considered driving that plastic spork into your eye socket just to make it stop haven’t you? Fantasy football is his life, but unless you’re in his league, he might as well be talking about color, size, and consistency of his bowel movements. Nobody cares, and most people just want him to shut up.
The same thing happens with parents. For a lot of people, understandably, parenthood envelops their lives, especially for stay-at-home moms and dads. Everything centers around their kids, including their goddamn Facebook accounts. And for those of us not in the parenthood league, we don’t care. Granted, the parenthood league is quite a bit larger than some dinky fantasy football group of dorks. But the reaction is the same. An endless stream of Facebook statuses about sonograms and cute things the kids said, and all of a sudden, I’m searching for a spork. But don’t feel so bad, parents. I didn’t ditch Facebook just because of the obnoxious parenthood league. It was also the obnoxious libertarian league, the obnoxious marketing professionals league, the obnoxious businesses league, and about 147 other obnoxious leagues. Facebook had to go for my sanity.
It doesn’t mean that I’m going to run back to Facebook now that I’m joining the parenthood league soon. Not unless those other assholes are suddenly gone now, too. No, this blog is going to be my obnoxious parent outlet instead. It’ll be a way for me to talk about all things pregnancy- and baby-related so I can spare the people (if anyone) on Twitter and Goodreads who might actually be paying attention to what I say (if anything). That makes you my buffer for normal, non-parenthood interactions. You’re the New Jersey to my parenthood New York, absorbing my shit to save everyone else. But let’s not go adding metaphors here. I’m going to confuse myself.
Point is, this is where my parenthood talk will go. And I made a new Twitter account (follow me) just for that purpose, as well. Keeping it contained so it doesn’t spread. Like a zombie outbreak. Or excessive metaphors. Damn it.